06 November 2009

Hot Cans (keep it clean, kids)

If you're already struggling to survive a Zombie Apocalypse, the last thing on your mind beyond running as fast as possible away from the hordes, is eating. This problem only occurs to you once you've found some safe space to hide away for a while, but mark my words - in a full-blown stage 4 zombie outbreak, you're going to need some decent food to keep you going, and the sooner you plan for it, the better.

Now, I'm not saying you're going to need this stuff (see below) for every meal, but maybe a treat once every three days or so, because if you're properly trained and prepared, you'll be aware of the mental torment you're going to be subjected to when you're holed up in a safehouse surrounded by droves of zombies relentlessly groaning and moaning, scratching and bashing every minute of every hour of every day, all the time, day and night, for weeks and months, even years, on end. That's enough to frazzle even the most steely-nerved survivalist, and one of the key factors to restoring morale is a nice hot meal once in a while to take you out of the hell you're now deposited into, and draw your mind into a utopian world of piping hot beans and sausages, if only for a few minutes.

Enter, the Hot Can!

Okay, I know this isn't revolutionary modern technology, but it's now readily available online, and at +/-R70 a can, it's not cheap, but in the inevitable days ahead, you won't be able to put a price on maintaining your sanity. Trust me - R70 spent on a warm meal while stuck bent over in your zombie-safe crawlspace will be money very well spent.

The idea is pretty straightforward, exothermic reaction heats up the contents of the can, and voila! Ready cooked meal! Of course, you can use the empty cans to fashion yourself makeshift zombie alarm systems (a piece of string or rope, a bunch of cans, and the moment a zombie manages to breach your perimeter, the cans will rattle an alarm), or in a pinch, use the full things to clobber a zombie on the head (not recommended, since this will invariably bring your hand within proximity of a zombie bite, and you also don't want to waste your only good source of food).

A few things to look out for with the above solution:

1. Other survivors in your group may lose their sanity well before you run out of Hot Cans, so you must be ready to keep an eye on them at all times - sleep with one eye open, and one hand on your bag of Hot Cans, the other on the crowbar.

2. DO NOT spare your Hot Cans for other survivors, unless you're fully loaded. The only time - and I mean the ONLY time - to spare a Hot Can for another survivor is if you have more Hot Cans than you can easily carry - only at this point is it worthwhile to keep another survivor handy. In an emergency, the other survivor can help to carry your precious cargo to the next safehouse (you can always trip them up later when you're safe, and then you'll have double your supply than if you had to share them with the survivor).

3. If you have vegetarians and a good mix of cans, dish out the VEGETABLE cans first, so by the time you've all consumed your equitable share of veggie cans, the vegetarians will not be able to eat the leftover meat cans, and you'll have even more supplies for yourself. Of course, if out of sheer desperation for a cooked-meal-in-a-tin, the vegetarian turns into a willing meat-eater, then eliminate them from the safehouse, one way or the other, explaining to the rest of the survivors that they were probably infected, because they were vegetarians beforehand. This explanation usually works.

Sausages and Beans HotCanSausages and Beans HotCanSausages and Beans HotCan
Place can onto lid
Pierce outer jacket with included key
Open can and wait 12 minutes

Scott scoffing sausages. Scrumptious!
Scott scoffing sausages. Scrumptious!

Beef Casserole HotCanVegetable Chilli HotCanSausages and Beans HotCan
Beef Casserole
Vegetable Chilli
Sausages and Beans

(IMAGES TAKEN FROM FIREBOX.COM without permission, but I'm advertising for them for free, so it all works out)

No comments: