07 October 2009

Zombie Survival Tips

I'm not in a position to divulge precisely why I am suddenly starting to post more tips about zombie survival, lest I cause a general panic. Suffice it to say that I am aware of my responsibility to humanity, and that I am fairly fond of most of my friends and family, and wouldn't really want to have to hatchet your head from the shoulders.

Anyway, I digress.

I feel it is my duty to do as much as I can for as many as I can before the day arrives, and as outbreak coordinator and survival commander-in-chief for this side of the Umgeni River, I intend to have the largest survival taskforce working under my leadership. After all, I've met the sort of "Zombologists" preparing for the outbreak, and trust me when I say that when that day comes, it's only going to be a matter of time before most other divisions will suffer the trials of a full-blown apocalyptic battle for survival.

The key to surviving the Zombie Apocalypse is mental preparation. My statistical analysis of the kinds of mental stresses and anxiety caused by a sudden realisation that the world is actually crumbling and fast closing in on you and you have no way out, suggests that 4 in 5 survivors will succumb to Zombie Apocalypse Stress Related Psychotic Disorder (ZASRPD), and either eat their own dog, or go on a psycopathic survival quest and kill anything else that moves.

However, I digress.

The key to this post is to make sure you are all mentally prepared. How do you begin this process? You think like a survivor.

What you need to do is the next time you're waiting in a shopping queue, look around. Check out your surroundings. Say to yourself "if there was an outbreak right here, right now, where would I go to?". Follow this question on with related questions, such as "if my buddy here was slowing me down, would I have time to wait for him to get to safety, or should I trip him up now to slow down the horde?" It's a tough question to ask, but the reality is, in the heat of the outbreak, you may just have to do it.

There, that's the real key to this post - although my advice to notice your surroundings is a key aspect of survival, the lesson today is not so much hanging on the process of ascertaining your surroundings and how you'd escape, but most importantly, to make you realise that to survive in a Zombie Apocalypse, you're going to need to make sacrifices. If you've got a buddy that's been bitten, or someone who's twisted an ankle, if it goes down to a foot race between you, your buddy, and a horde of hungry KFC-employee-turned-zombies, you're going to need to ditch your friend and feed him to the Colonel. If you aren't prepared to do this, then trust me when I say there's going to be a KFC Zombie Survivor Cheese Twister with extra hashbrown, and we all know no-one likes hashbrown in their Twisters...
(you're the hashbrown, you idiot... if you didn't understand my KFC analogy then you're as good as dead and you're going to be the one that gets ditched, so accept it now and eat your dog)

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